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2 new barrymore jokes

Barrymore's going to be charing a new topical music quiz, "Never Drowned The Lubbocks".
The theme tune is gonna be that old dire straits song - "fisting by the pool"

The BBC are making a new sitcom to star Michael Barrymore.
Its gonna be called..........."Only Pools and Corpses".


Barrymore goes to his doctors, feeling quite ill and full of cold. The doctor does a few blood tests, and a few days late Barrymore returns for the results. The doctor tells him; "Very bad news Mr Barrymore, I'm afraid you have AIDS and are going to die quite soon.". Shocked, Barrymore asks; "Is there anything I can do? :eek:". The doctor sits back in his seat and says; "Well Mr Barrymore, go home now and eat as much fruit as you can find, order every variety of curry known to man, drink five cartons or orange juice and eat a bag of chillis...". Barrymore replies; "Will that cure me?". The doctor grins and replies; "I'm afraid not, but it'll definitely give you a better idea of what your arse is meant for.".


I aint the least bit homophobic. In fact I've been known to drink from the furry cup myself. So there. :p


A God At The Sperm Bank


The new messiah
Matthew Kelly was on a ship with 100 boy scouts and 100 girl guides when it hit an iceberg and started to sink. The captainannounced "We're sinking! Everyone abandon ship!"
Matthew Kelly asked, "What about the children?"
The captain replied, "fuck the children!"
Matthew Kelly looked around eagerly and said "Do we have time?"

What's the difference between greyhound racing and Matthew Kelly?
The greyhounds wait for the hare.

What is the worst thing about being Matthew Kelly?
You have to go to bed before 7.00

Have you heard about Matthew Kelly's New Book?
It's called, "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing

Matthew Kelly is sitting in his living room surfing the internet on his
All of a sudden, the door of the apartment whips open and his wife storms through.
She screams, "You fucking asshole!" and she heads into the bedroom.
Stunned, Matthew flips off the computer and walks toward the bedroom,
wondering, "Now what have I done?"
Inside the bedroom he finds the missus furiously packing a suitcase.
He asks her what's up. She responds with a hiss, "My therapist says that I should leave you, and that you're a pedophile!"
Matthew responds, "Wow, you're pretty smart for an 8 year old."

Have you heard? Matthew Kelly has pulled out of Children In Need...

Matthew Kelly is off to Florida on holiday this year He's going to Tampa with the kids.

What was Matthew Kellys defence in court.
He was only kidding.

Matthew Kelly and his wife are in Blockbuster to hire a video for the
evening. Mr. Kelly's missus asks him what he wants to watch. He says
"How about we get Aladdin ?". His girlfriend says........
"Can't we just get a video, you're in enough trouble already."

Apparently Matthew Kelly thought Boyz II Men was a delivery service.

The similarity between Matthew Kelly and whisky?
They both come in small tots.

What do you do if Matthew Kelly is drowning?
Throw him a buoy!

Why was Matthew Kelly spotted at Marks & Sparks?
He heard boys pants were half-off!

What did the lady say to Matthew Kelly at the beach?
"Excuse me, you're in my son"

Matthew Kellys Lawyer is talking to him in the cells at the Old Bailey just after he has been found guilty on 26 charges of pedophilia.
"Alright. You got 4 months but look on the bright side. You'll be out
in time for half term"


Micheal Barrymore walked intoa tattoo parlour and asked for a tattoo on his penis.

the tattooist said 'what type of tattoo do you want??'

Micheal said ' it better be a land rover, because its gotta go through a lot of shit '